Depression hurts.

I found this photo today and it looks so weird. My makeup was done and it was so pretty and it’s one of the best weekends ever and I was so happy, and had nothing to be sad about, but I’m uncomfortable because I’m depressed. I swear I try not to be, and I really thought for how happy I was at this time I really thought I could hide it better. I’m caught off guard that my sadness was leaking out and I didn’t even know. A weird sense of belonging and not belonging. I’ve been depressed a lot of my life but it fluctuates so much I’m mostly just waiting it out; the dull and hopeless storm that doesn’t always erupt but often passes. I’m 28 and I’m glad that I’ve learned to live with feeling depressed, in a sense that I’m able to push through the minimum. I go to work, I take care of people, I go home. I sleep, I eat, I shower, repeat. My bills are paid, I have a car, I have a house. It wasn’t always like that.

Today is one of those days where I go through the motions to take care of myself on auto pilot. I’m exhausted from putting my productive mask on all week at work and coming home drained of emotional energy. Just a few thoughts or bad memories and I can feel the bad coursing along my bones, swimming through my muscles, draping me in a mist of self pity. A slow roasting cascade of stress and thoughts about people that have hurt me, feelings of rejection from love throughout my lifetime, self hatred, feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, guilt that I wasn’t worth the time, fleeting flashes of anxiety that I’m not where I want to be in life, feelings of wondering why it matters anyway, worries that my aspirations are just so I have a cover of accomplishment to shroud my true dejected self, feeling that I’m too late or not right for certain expectations, guilt for wanting normal things and not being good enough, unworthy of it all. It all quietly boils over until I’m a reduction of tears and heavy tiredness. I’m upset that I know I know better and I’m upset that I still don’t just feel better. I’m so tired of being tired because I was trying to fake it until I make it. I’m tired of that line. I’m fine, I’m just so tired.

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